Luke and I walked in a moonlit circle, feet plodding for miles along this paved path in the park. We detailed our experiences going off to college, we talked about finances, about cars, but most of all, we talked about our family. We walked in loop after loop. I used to see my parents as perfection in human form. So, when one of them was upset or angry, it was because of one of us kids. I saw us as the flawed ones and felt that if either of my parents (or my siblings) were emotionally in a hard place, I had to swallow it, or try and fix it. As an adult I look back and am beginning to peel back the layers of what was reality.
I knew exactly what was expected of me as a child and teen. I knew how to act to be acceptable. But in some ways I think it taught me not to stand up for my opinions and rely on others to make decisions for me. I learned how to feel shame and how to freeze when I feel hard things.
My parents did the best they could, they would have done things differently if they could go back and do it again, wouldn't we all? No one is really ready for parenting, no one is really ready for marriage. There's a beauty in that because we are all imperfect people, trying.
Im grateful to have had so much laughter and joy in my childhood. I learned to appreciate little things and how to never be bored. I learned how to work hard and how to love God and trust him. I learned to be savvy with money and not judge people... I am trying to focus on those things- because nothing is perfect and it can be easy to think about some of the bruises or unhealthy patterns that I adopted as a child and paint my whole childhood in that off-grey color. But I don't think that's right. Most of it was wildly colorful and happy. Most of the time I ran about learning about the world, completely self-absorbed and content. So that's what Im trying to focus on these days. The yellows.
