Seasons

 There’s this giddy little evil part of me that says… what if this is it? Like… what if we stop having kids? Like… I could actually be done and this be it and I could potentially not have to go through any of this again and that little person inside of me is very happy about that prospect because um this is so hard. It’s not fun most of the time and I am just not living the fantasy I thought I would be. I’m not crafting all afternoon with my kids and gallivanting around the forest.

I’m swimming and my nose is just barely above the waterline. It’s like I am so close to drowning, but still technically alive.

Don’t get me wrong. These two kids are the biggest blessing and joyful little things I wouldn’t trade for the world. But I admit to fantasizing about going to sleep and waking up in 7 months when life has steadied itself somewhat and I have lost 40 pounds and here we are.

Aging quicker than I thought possible and putting everything on hold temporarily. Doing my best to “thrive?” Like, what even is that? I don’t know. But I’ll tell ya what…I’m not sewing my daughter pants or knitting my son a sweater or painting the doors in my house. Nope. I am planning out if we are going to manage a home cooked meal while I am pumping milk from my yeast infected boobs and calm a sick baby and stay one step ahead of my very intelligent girl and doing my best to keep God involved in the raising of my children and the raising of me.

But, dang they are precious. So precious. And  lovely. And adored. I guess it’s just not very fun to grow sometimes. It can be uncomfortable and painful.

Motherhood

 Have patience with your motherfriends who are late to answer your call. They are busy helping little beings find themselves.

This can come at the sacrifice of up-keeping their own fine architecture and adjacent bridges. Is building another’s home a greater calling than maintaining your own?

Whirlwind

 When has growth been easy?

The bending, breaking, buttoning up just to pop a seam on the other side. It’s part of what makes life so… flirty? Fresh? Dareisay fascinating?

Gosh it just keeps things interesting, don’t it.

Not sure I enjoy popping buttons and seams because it means ya have to sew things back in ship-shape shape. But we’ve been practicing and we’re getting better at it.

swells of change

Perched at the crow's nest
I welcome the brewing gale
ideal conditions for a feminine travail

buds4lyfe

her world is magic, and I feel it too. 
 

Cassidy’s treasures

In the laundry bin, making home next to my socks and underwear, I found a little tube of glossier blush, two square neon magnets, and a special scrap of fabric.

Later, I noticed a wadded post-it note that had been deliberately squashed & stuffed in a tiny hole on one of Cassie’s toys.

The next day it was her socks in a beaded purse and crackers crumbs in her dad’s shoe.

Her little hands peruse her world, making discoveries and then poking around until she finds exactly where they belong. A perfect home for such special things.

And I, unaware of these “spots” discover these treasures like long-lost easter eggs. 

Ode to a soft time

I count myself with the most fortunate

to have little toes to call piggies 

and little giggles to tickle out 

Her toys sprinkled around our home;

I've never loved a mess more.

 

Recipe maker

Her heavy limbs find refuge in my softened body. She stirs and Her eyes blink wide and meet mine with delight. Please draft a recipe so I can bottle up this sweetness and drink it for the rest of my life. 

You are my sun

 Spence is actual sunshine, and I, the lucky girl who got to marry the sun. I soak in his splendor and marvel at his light. 

 "This is the happiest I've ever been"

-SS

 "Like my mother before me, I’ll raise my girl to think she breathes fire."