Harsh, critical parental behavior produces shame-prone, perfectionistic children who then pass the family bad habit down to their children." - Lynne Namka
"You know better than to climb on that! You naughty boy! Can't you stop giving me trouble for one minute?" What does he learn? He's naughty, bad, a source of trouble for his parents. The things he wants to do are bad. Exploring is bad, climbing is bad. He should be different; he's not good enough the way he is.
But if these shaming interactions are repeated throughout childhood, the shame can become toxic; the beginning of a fear of being defective that can shadow us through life. We push it down out of awareness, but we still feel it, so we numb ourselves with over-eating, screen-time, overwork, sugar. Most adults stumble across this repressed shame occasionally -- usually when we feel embarrassed in public -- and find it at least temporarily disabling.
"You know better than to climb on that! You naughty boy! Can't you stop giving me trouble for one minute?" What does he learn? He's naughty, bad, a source of trouble for his parents. The things he wants to do are bad. Exploring is bad, climbing is bad. He should be different; he's not good enough the way he is.
But if these shaming interactions are repeated throughout childhood, the shame can become toxic; the beginning of a fear of being defective that can shadow us through life. We push it down out of awareness, but we still feel it, so we numb ourselves with over-eating, screen-time, overwork, sugar. Most adults stumble across this repressed shame occasionally -- usually when we feel embarrassed in public -- and find it at least temporarily disabling.
