wonder

To need so little to be happy. 

Centering

quiet your heart
center your thoughts
tune your ears enough to listen

You are kind, loving, hopeful,
those things will always be more important then being smart or quick, 

You are a friend, a real listener, a hard-worker, a forgiver, an appreciator, a understander,
you are someone worth loving.

The grape jelly covers the wall,
the only remnants of an emotional explosion. 

I try so hard to hold it in,  obsessing over "My precious"
But I am safe. so safe. I can tell how I am feeling here and will still be loved. 

I am still worthy and still adored
I am still beautiful and strong

Its ok to have waves rush through me, and its ok to feel unlovable and unworthy
and its ok to say you feel those things, and why.

the world will not end. 

the freckled boy

I study the curls resting on his freckled eyelids
his steady breath warms my shoulder

In times like these I am filled with a windstorm of emotion; gratitude to have someone so beautiful and faithful- despair, recognizing my own faults and weakness– insecurity– joy in sharing– pain in sharing. I grieve at his hurt and sometimes wish to be sucked up in my own. Sometimes I want to disappear because my whole body feels overtaken and naked with the pain. Do I seek to feel this way? because I'm alive in extremes? 

I wonder and immediately feel so utterly guilty that I am causing the cuts in his confidence and I am the reason his body bruises. 

Little things like playing video games on his phone turn cancerous. I let them grow and consume until I call them to his attention. Look! Don't you see how your life affects mine? Don't you see your own imperfection and how it affects ME? and then, he says sorry and I feel sorry, and I melt into a comfortable self-loathing. How could I ever expect perfection of a human that is growing? Why do I expect perfection of myself?

You see how my thoughts turn torturous? Hurting people is my greatest fear. 

Im going to get help in 2 weeks.