Bear with me. This is a doozie.

Writing helps me organize my world and feelings into some semblance of sanity, so buckle up.
Here’s some word vomit.

Every time I eat dairy or gluten, even in small amounts, It seems I lose myself for a few days. Take Doritos, for example. The crispy, perfect triangles that seem innocent enough. I ate a few... Well, perhaps a few more than a few. 

And within 2 days I felt overwhelmed with fear, sadness, and severe self-loathing. What happens when I eat food that has dairy or gluten is, my spectrum of feeling is cut off at the corners, akin to depression. What takes the place of my normal happy self is a cold emptiness. (Not a good place to hang out, ESPECIALLY when I’m in a dope relationship that I absolutely love.) I find myself not able to feel happy or excited about the future, all I want, is to be alone, and even more alone than alone. I lose track of my goals and desires and just feel an echoing hollowness inside of me. Pretty sucky. 

Contrast that to feeling like myself again and it makes me feel bipolar, because on the other end of the spectrum (where I am on most days) I feel utter peace, utter joy, utter contentment, utterly fulfilled. I feel hopeful & enthusiastic about the future. I look forward to stupid things and am happy just to be living and have the people in my life that I do.

I do like to see the good! I like to get insanely excited about small things like frozen water and a new leaf growing on my plant. It makes life happier and more thrilling than the mundane daily grind and routine. Finding the growth and change that is happening in and around us fills me with so much joy because it is proof there is a purpose to all this, because there is evidence that we are growing.

To sum everything up. I AM SO GRATEFUL to have answers, to understand that my actions have reactions, and I have a way to stop feeling uncontrollably depressed. I’m learning self control and I’m grateful to be in such a place as this with such a person as Spencer.