I woke up feeling terrified.
What if he stops feeling this way?
My mind immediately jumps to the line of defense.
I will be fine.
I am fine on my own.
But I don't want to.
Its so hard for me to admit that because it feels like I am opening up my fleshy heart to a cascade of arrows. It requires courage that I've never called upon in myself, to let the wall stay down & to be completely honest with myself and with him.
The truth is I love him, and I want him to keep loving me. Im terrified that he will grow bored, or that I will start taking him for granted. Ive lived and dated so much that being in this space now, I understand how rare and unique and perfect this feels. And I am so scared of losing it. Im scared of growing cold or defensive like I can. I'm scared of this nameless thing, showing up and screwing everything up.
