Here's the thing... Sometimes ya just don't feel good enough.

Change has been so good for me and unusually rough. I've recently put a lot into studying and working. Anatomy and Stats require about 8-10 hours of studying every two days, which adds up to about 20 hours a week. Mind you, that is not including the 16 hours of Anatomy lecture and lab, and the 12 hours of Stats instruction a week. I go to work at least 25 hours a week... And I guess all of those hours (73; aka six 12 hour work days a week) add up to no time for much else. I try to tell myself that I don't mind it. I call myself out all the time for getting so caught up in my own problems and how I should focus on being grateful for everything I have.

But sometimes, like this morning, It gets to me. And I open my eyes in my bed and wonder, what is wrong with me?  Will I ever be able to get through these 8 weeks before crashing? I could just quit now, and not do nursing at all! That would be so easy. And then these thoughts spiral downward #blameprovoandsocialmedia and I wonder Who am I, really? Do I know?! Why can I not find someone to love? Am I just being too picky? too intimidating? too consumed with work? I then tell myself to stop freaking out and stop overreacting, and get up.

I think preparing for the last marathon has helped me more than I know. I feel like I am starting another type of marathon. One where my social desires and personal interests are placed firmly on the backburner. One where I go on and on, having to lean on God and willing myself to stay in control. 

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE learning about the human body. In fact, I don't think I've ever learned so much secular information in such a short amount of time... But, sometimes it is a lot. and I can get worried and stressed and just look at all that I still have to learn and do and all too soon I feel as if I am being shadowed by an ever-growing tsunami. 

Maybe I just need to start doing yoga. Or run more. Or just find new friends. (I talk to an average of 7 people a day– not including workies of course– But tconsidering I am surrounded by THOUSANDS, das kinda pathetic) Most of all, I think I just need to trust God more.

Notice; I do take time for me. I have to. Whether it be music making, writing, or painting, or taking engagements of my friends... Those little bursts of juice keep me going. And sorry for the ramble. Putting it out somewhere helps me clear my head, and focus on what I am feeling, why, and how to find solutions. But ya! Here's to another week full of information and meeting new people!

P.S. Here are some pictures from last night!!! I took a few hours to shoot at the tulip festival. It's incredible how much I have improved simply by practicing. "If ya wanna be a better runner, run more often, it's that simple" Same principle baby. #fistpump #lezzdodis