Two months
and seven days.
The Lord has gone to great lengths teach me. I have been blessed with some of the greatest trials that I have ever had to face. Confusion, solidarity and soul-searching- to more tangible things- such as confrontation, career choices and full-time personal responsibility. Least to say, I have been pretty stretched the last two months. There have been some nights where I've just collapsed on my knees in tears because I feel so alone or overwhelmed. I have had no one to turn to but the Lord because He is the only one who understands the depth of my feelings, understands the hurt, and knows my desires. And through it all, the Lord has taught me many- a- lesson.
One of them being: What makes me happy.
Ha, I wont lie. Before my mission, I found happiness in adventure, in change, in gifts, in new things, in attention, in drawing, reading and doing anything that I loved. I found happiness in discovery, in laughter, in other's approval, in surprise. When I got back, I tried to find happiness in those things... but it was haha, you could say it was quite non-existent. And I didn't know why. But oh-HO that didn't stop me. I was determined.
In Brazil I had felt some of the most intense and complete feelings of joy. Feelings that elephanted all of my "so thought" pre-mission happinesses. I was filled with a flame to find that joy again. It wasn't supposed to be a one-time thing, right? And through all the recent struggles the Lord Has blessed me with a precious understanding that, happiness comes from God. Without God and His presence. It is impossible for me to be happy. True happiness; peace, is brought by the presence of the Spirit. When I am doing what the Lord would have me do (being obedient=being worthy to have the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost) I am happy. That is the only thing I need to be truly, and fully ME; the innately happy, bubbly, crazy, real weird, quirky, artistic, adventurous, dreamy, lively, hopeful, open me...
I am me when He is with me.
And when He is not with me, and His spirit is far. I shrink, I become self-centered, I over-think, I get overwhelmed, I am vulnerable, and hopeless, I rip and twist to find that light midst fonts of darkness. Going in circles until I buckle and collapse, and look up. Being humbled by circumstance.
“The gift of the Holy Ghost...quickens all the intellectual faculties, increases, enlarges, expands, and purifies all the natural passions and affections, and adapts them, by the gift of wisdom, to their lawful use. It inspires, develops, cultivates, and matures all the fine-toned sympathies, joys, tastes, kindred feelings, and affections of our nature. It inspires virtue, kindness, goodness, tenderness, gentleness, and charity. It develops beauty of person, form, and features. It tends to health, vigor, animation, and social feeling. It invigorates all the faculties of the physical and intellectual man. It strengthens and gives tone to the nerves. In short, it is, as it were, marrow to the bone, joy to the heart, light to the eyes, music to the ears, and life to the whole being.”
-Parley P. Pratt
That is why it is so important to take the sacrament every week! What an incredible promise "that they may always have the spirit to be with them!" That is why it is so important to do the little things! SO HE CAN BE WITH US. AND WE CAN REACH OUR POTENTIAL. AND BE HAPPY DOING IT. Oh baby, I wouldn't give up these two months and seven days for anything.
P.S. here are a few of the more recent documented moments.
The national parks secret concert, that delicious hip french fries place, climbing the Y and walking down with a sunset to greet us, Templein, Home-made mac n' cheese that Corrine made me, learning how to be a girl by my roommates, Special moments with the Savior, participating in the best soccer team ever (we win a whopping 20% of the time) Photographing adventures, pondering on the Mish, Finding random treasures at the BYU campus, and of course Breakfasting with the Grana.
